


i measure every grief i meet with narrow, probing eyes

by derevko_child



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: (sort of), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 10:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22154572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derevko_child/pseuds/derevko_child
Summary: “To Hope.” She pauses as her throat starts to close with emotions. She avoids looking at Hank, “I wish you happiness and fulfillment on this special day.”Janet Van Dyne did not disappear into the Quantum Realm.It's been almost 23 years.[set during Iron Man 2]
Relationships: Hank Pym & Tony Stark, Hank Pym/Janet Van Dyne, Tony Stark & Janet Van Dyne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	i measure every grief i meet with narrow, probing eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything, just playing in this vast sandbox, blah blah blah, all mistakes are mine.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

Hotel Astoria’s grand ballroom is large enough to accommodate five hundred people, yet still have sufficient space for him to avoid said five hundred people.

From the top of the balcony, he watches the sea of people wearing black and white mingle with one another, enjoying the overflowing drinks and appetizers.

It might be the perpetual scowl etched on his face or maybe it’s the knowledge of the real significance of this day. Whatever it is, he thinks, as he swirls his cognac in the glass, it’s making people leave him alone.

“So, how does it feel to be – currently – the most generous man in the whole country, Hank?”

 _Most_ people, that is.

Hank Pym looks at the direction of the voice and sees Tony Stark approaching him, dressed in a decent tuxedo with a half-empty glass of bourbon in one hand and a beautiful redhead in the other.

“Well, it’s not unlike the feeling I get when someone reminds me that I’m probably the smartest man in the world.” Hank wryly replies, taking a small glance at the redhead before looking back at younger man, who gives him a shit-eating grin.

“If this were any other day, I’d contest that.” Tony answers irreverently, like the cheeky bastard he is, “ _But_ ,” he says, managing to stress the only vowel in the word, “Considering that your foundation’s celebrating its fifteenth anniversary, I think that build-off challenge can wait a few more weeks.”

A ghost of a smile appears on his face despite himself. Hank raises the glass of cognac to his lips before turning his attention back to the ballroom. The crowd is getting livelier, no doubt due to Tony’s flashy entrance.

“We waiting for anyone here?” he asks.

Hank looks back at him, “Crowd wrangler.” He dryly answers.

“Right, right. Crowd wrangler.” Tony replies with a knowing nod. 

He keeps his stare leveled at Tony’s face, pretending not to see the outline of the tiny nuclear reactor protruding in the younger man’s dress shirt.

“Oh, and I almost forgot. This is Natalie Rushman, my new assistant.” Tony says and turns towards his companion, “Ms. Rushman, this is Dr. Henry Pym, of Pym Technologies – don’t be fooled by the permanent frown on his face, he has a big heart – one of the two founders of this very, very, _very_ generous children’s charity … and sometimes, the smartest man in the world.”

The redhead gives him a dazzling smile, “It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Pym.” She says and extends her hand towards him, which he dutifully takes. The firm handshake lasts less than three seconds, after which the younger woman returns her hand on top of Tony’s arm.

He gives Tony a quizzical look but before he can ask where his _other_ red-headed assistant was, a woman’s melodic laugh rings throughout the ballroom. 

Tony’s face suddenly lights up like a goddamned Christmas tree and, coupled with the fact that the energy in the room shifted – from high-spirited to frenzied – Hank doesn’t have to turn his head to know who just arrived.

With the redhead on his arm forgotten, Tony makes a beeline towards the spiral staircase and Hank watches as Tony hurries towards the center of the ballroom. He flashes a somewhat apologetic look at Ms. Rushman.

“Attention span of a three-year-old.” Hank explains.

Ms. Rushman merely nods her head. The light above her head makes her eyes shine like emeralds.

Hank looks back at the ballroom, just in time to see Tony give Janet Van Dyne a warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek. The glass of bourbon is gone from Tony’s hands.

The crowd around the two is growing, with those on the younger side holding up their camera phones and directing it at them while a series of bulbs flashing comes from the numerous photographers covering the event. 

Hank looks on as Janet and Tony indulge the crowd and the press, with Janet showing off her gown and Tony, boisterous Tony, just mugging it up.

Melancholy wrenches him; Hank ignores it and sips his drink.

“I’ve attended so many parties and events with him. This is the first time he isn’t four hours late.” Ms. Rushman says, “Or drunk. He insisted we come here early.”

Hank slightly shakes his head, “Surprising?”

“I would use the word unpredictable.”

Down at the ballroom, Janet smiles for the crowd and the cameras, her hand on top of Tony’s arm. She makes it a point to look at everyone’s faces; it’s a gala for their foundation after all, she can’t appear to look _too_ snobbish.

“Ms. Van Dyne, any surprises we can expect in—”

“—any comment on the reports linking you with Simon—”

“—Mr. Stark, what can you tell us about Stark Industries’ shift to—”

“—Ms. Van Dyne will we be seeing you in—”

The questions come one after the other. She tunes them out as she and Tony pose for a few more photos. Tony answers a few questions directed at him and a question or two directed at her, while she steals glances at the man standing on the balcony, watching them.

Finally, Janet holds up her hand and the noise dies down after a few seconds.

“Any questions regarding the gala, or Dr. Pym’s, Tony’s or my future endeavors should be answered as the night goes on.” She states, her voice light and clear, “As for the interest in my love life, I assure you any reports linking me to anyone – man or woman – are unfounded. Laid-back as you all you might think me, I’m far too busy to entertain such... flirtations.” She finishes, smiling coquettishly.

Tony mock gasps beside her, “Even with Hank?”

There’s a beat of silence before a soft laugh escapes her, after which a ripple of chuckles and giggles goes through the crowd.

Instead of answering, she turns back to the throng of people, “I hope you didn’t have too much _hors d’oeuvres_ ladies and gentlemen. The dinner starts in a few minutes.” She says with a striking smile and discreetly steers Tony towards the direction of the stairs.

“Was that comment insensitive? I feel like that comment was a little bit insensitive.” Tony asks when they’re walking up the stairs arm in arm, considerably away from the prying ears of the guests.

“Shush, Anthony.

Tony’s remark caught her slightly off-guard but at the same time, it tugged a thread of her humor. She didn’t mind his comment one bit.

“You only call me Anthony when I’m being stupid.”

Janet looks at Tony with a twinkle in her eye, “Aren’t you?”

She rolls her eyes as he pretends to grumpily grouse about how he can’t help himself being charming in front of the press.

“He was waiting for you, you know.” Tony says as they reach the top of the stairs.

“And how long has he been up here?”

Tony shrugs, “Long enough for him to look like he’s a brooding superhero on top of a cathedral contemplating about the messy state of the world?”

She can’t help but wrinkle her nose. “That’s a very specific description.”

“Uh, S.I.’s legal department sent over a few comics floating online – about me and my alter ego – asking if I wanted to pursue legal action. I asked Natalie to give me a few superhero comics for comparison, and that’s what she gave me.”

“A brooding superhero on top of a cathedral contemplating about the messy state of the world?”

“Well, he’s a billionaire playboy philanthropist by day, a giant man bat at night—he’s not literally a bat, he just made a suit that makes him look and fly like a giant bat—” 

He pulls away from her and starts walking backwards, not at all thinking about the bow tie-wearing servers holding a platter of champagne glasses who had to avoid colliding with him.

“—and uh, his parents died when he was young… because of crime. See, it’s a sad origin story, and he was raised by the family butler. There were actually a lot of panels where he was on top of buildings being all… gloomy.”

“So, she gave you Batman?”

There’s a slight pause and she definitely noticed that he went a little slack-jawed for a second. It takes a lot to get that reaction from him and apparently, her knowing any comic book character is one of them.

“And _how_ does the great Janet Van Dyne know about Batman?” Tony asks with wonder in his tone.

Janet smiles, suddenly remembering the lengths she took to study comic book history to prevent a worldwide catastrophe. 

“I don’t think I’ve met… Natalie, is it?” she says instead.

Tony does another one of his fake gasps, “That’s deflecting. _You’re_ deflecting. Did you date a comic book nerd before Hank? No? _After_ Hank?” Another fake gasp, “Is _Hank_ secretly a comic book nerd?”

“Batman was created in 1939, Anthony. I think I would have heard something about him at some point in my life.” She says, quirking her brow.

“Anthony again, huh.”

They’re less than a foot away from Hank and a redhead who is not Pepper Potts. Janet pauses for a swift second, schooling her features before giving Tony a questioning glance, “Where’s Pepper?”

“She’s… busy.” He answers and motions towards the woman beside Hank, “Janet, this is Natalie Rushman, my new assistant. Natalie, this is Janet Van Dyne. Fashion icon, innovator, the smartest _person_ in this room, and also the other founder of this foundation.”

Janet’s lips purse into an amused smile, “You flatter me, Anthony.”

“What’s stupid about what I said now?” Tony asks, his brows furrowed with genuine confusion.

“Nothing, I’m using your whole name to embarrass you.” She focuses her attention on the other woman and extends a hand, “Hello, Natalie. I’m Janet.” She greets, positioning herself closer to Hank as she observes Tony’s assistant. Her fiery red hair is in an updo and she’s wearing a little black dress with a conservative cut. The color of her shoes – a sexy yet practical pair from her spring collection the previous year – matches the color of her hair. 

Natalie takes her hand, “It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Van Dyne. I’m a big fan. Last year’s spring collection was sublime.” She says, almost breathlessly.

Janet laughs as she shakes the younger woman’s hands, “How’s working for Anthony going so far?”

“It’s been a rollercoaster ride, to be honest.”

“Don’t let him bully you. His generosity is an overcompensation for being difficult.” She says, giving Tony a saccharine smile.

“You mean being an asshole.” Hank mutters beside her.

“Wait, hold up.” Tony says waving his right hand from himself to Natalie, “It’s actually the other way around. She’s the one bullying me.”

Janet rolls her eyes and she hears Hank snort beside her. He’s near enough that she can feel the fabric of his coat on her arm.

“That Van Dyne Eye-Roll and Pym Snort is such a classic combo. Nat, you’ve been blessed by the gods.”

She sighs, a mix of mild annoyance and amusement, and glances at Hank, who at the same time, had exhaled gruffly before taking a sip of his drink. The slight movement of her head makes him look at her, and the sight of her face is enough to make the corner of his lips quirk upwards.

“And there’s the Van Dyne-Pym Simultaneous Sigh of Annoyance.” Tony says to Ms. Rushman, “It makes me wonder sometimes if they’ve been really divorced for eighteen years. They’re so in sync.”

“Tony—” Hank starts but the younger man cuts him off.

“Yes, yes, go and mingle.” Tony conjures a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and amps up his grin, “Don’t forget about that build-off Hank. If I have to go back here to get you to do it, I will.” He motions towards Janet, “Janet should join. We could get some media coverage for it, do it for charity or something—a three-way face off.”

“You want to lose in front of an audience, Stark?”

“So that’s a yes to the build-off, then?” Tony asks, “Because I could ask Natalie here to arrange everything.” He says taking a quick glance at Ms. Rushman, who nods her head, before glancing back at him.

“Mingle.” Hank answers instead.

Tony turns towards Janet, “I promise to say goodbye before I leave the building.” He solemnly says and puts on his sunglasses. He spins around, his back against them as he offers his arm to Ms. Rushman, who gracefully accepts it.

Hank finishes off his cognac as he watches Tony descend the stairs, no doubt to create a little excitement before the actual start of the event.

He lets a minute pass before finally looking at the woman beside him. 

Her short hair is styled in what he knows is a structured mess, with a few locks framing her face. Her eyes, those stunningly blue eyes, look at him with such fondness that it makes his heart break. Lord knows he doesn’t deserve that look, especially from her. Not after everything.

“Hi.” He says, greeting her for the first time since she arrived.

Janet’s lips purse in amusement, “Hi.” She greets back before reaching out to touch his suit jacket, “Does this fit well?” she asks.

She sent over a new coat and dress shirt a week ago, specifically for this event. Hank was surprised that it didn’t come with a new pair of trousers or shoes. He likes to think that Janet has faith in his ability to mix and match the new pieces with the old, although it’s more likely that Janet’s familiarity with his wardrobe meant that there’s something in there that’ll go with everything.

“I think it’s a little tight on the shoulders but I like the fit.” He answers as an attendant discreetly takes the empty glass of cognac from him.

She makes a small sound of disapproval, taking a step back and inspecting the back of his coat. Her hands lightly caress his back as she looks for the problem.

“Are you working on something, again? I swear, you were getting thinner.” He hears her say under her breath.

“I did work on something, actually.” He’s been having a difficult time sleeping the past few weeks and he channeled the restlessness into something productive. And working on Janet’s suit is always productive. 

He shifts his head a little to see her face, “I think you’ll like it.”

Janet twists something in his sleeve and the suit jacket suddenly feels a little bit looser.

“Better?” When he nods, she starts smoothing his coat. The heat from her hands seeps into his coat and into his shirt, searing his skin. He keeps absolutely still as she moves, brushing away the imaginary fuzz on his clothes. The expression on her face is neutral, but there’s a small crease in her brow that always appear when she’s considering about expressing something that might be potentially upsetting.

She feels him observing her and she rests her hands on top of his chest and gives him a small but reassuring smile.

Janet’s not the one who’d walk on eggshells, especially when it comes to him, but today is different. 

Today deserves care.

“What is it?” he softly asks.

She shakes her head, “Nothing.” She replies as her eyes drops down. She starts playing with his bowtie to keep her hands busy, “Nostalgia.”

The heels she’s wearing makes her an inch taller than him and Hank slightly lifts his chin up to gaze at her. He gently draws her nearer to him, his hands resting on her elbows.

“You know, a beautiful and wise woman once told me that nostalgia’s fine once in a while, but you shouldn’t let it ruin the present.”

Her lips twitches in amusement, “Did you follow this beautiful and wise woman’s advice?”

Hank shrugs, “Not at first. I was a stubborn son of a bitch— still am, but because of her I’m trying to be less… stubborn.”

Janet tilts her head and looks at him, “And what about the son of a bitch part?”

Another shrug, “It’s a personality defect. Difficult to remove, although I’m told there’s a certain charm to it if played right.”

Her eyes sparkle before an amused laugh escapes her. This time, Hank smiles—the first one he’s had in weeks.

For a moment, Hank lets himself pretend that it’s just the two of them, away from the party, from the people; Hank and Janet, back when he still viewed his future as something uncertain but exciting. Back when he knew that if Janet needed him, he’ll be there with faith in himself and in his abilities.

“Hank?”

He looks up and Janet motions to the crowd downstairs with a flick of her head.

It’s time.

He takes a deep breath as he buttons his coat before tugging on his bowtie twice, “How do I look?” he asks and pats his coat pocket for his speech.

Janet beams. 

“As beautiful as the day I first met you.”

* * * * *

He arrives home just a little after eleven pm, using old age to excuse himself from an event that he had – _technically_ – organized. Tony stayed behind, regaling an adoring crowd with tales of his adventures as Iron Man, while enjoying glass after glass of bourbon.

He knows he should say something about it, but he quickly, _quickly_ pushes the thought away. Tony is just like his father; everything everyone else says are mere suggestions and not very good ones. 

Hank locks the door and crosses the entry way, taking a brief note of the figure sitting on the couch in his living room, and puts his keys on the table before slowly backtracking, because _there’s someone sitting on the couch in his living room_.

It only took a second for the worry to ease.

“What took you so long?”

“You left early.” He grouchily says, taking off his coat, “I had to deal with the reporters. Alone.” He gently places the coat over one of the chairs, “Cross was also there.”

Janet has kicked off her heels and has made herself comfortable on the couch. He feels her assess him from head to foot, “You walked out unscathed?”

“I’m fine _now_.” As he makes his way towards her, he sees that her hair is messier, and she’s taken off some of her jewelry, placing them neatly on top of the coffee table beside discarded hair pins, two empty glasses and the bottle of scotch they only drink once a year.

“I hope you don’t mind; I’ve liberated the scotch from its hiding place.” She says as she shifts her position on the sofa to get the bottle.

He doesn’t say anything and tugs his bowtie loose before sitting down beside her. She pours at least two fingers of scotch onto one of the glasses and silently hands it to him before pouring one for herself.

Janet sets the bottle back on the table and looks at her drink, moving the glass a little to make the liquid swirl. The yellow light in Hank’s study make the scotch look like melted gold. 

It looks beautiful.

She finally lifts her head up and looks at Hank, who’s watching her with mournful eyes; waiting for her— he did the toast last year. 

It’s her turn today.

Wordlessly, she raises her glass and he does the same. 

It’s a tradition Hank started eighteen years ago, back when a week off was a luxury they can’t afford and there weren’t any charity galas to prepare for. Back then, it wasn’t much of a memorial— it was more along the lines of Hank numbing the pain and the desolation on what was supposed to be a happy day, with a bottle or two (or three, or four) of scotch.

“To Hope.” She pauses as her throat starts to close with emotions. She avoids looking at Hank, “I wish you happiness and fulfillment on this special day.”

Gone for almost twenty-three years.

“Wherever you are, my wish for you is that you’re loved— and that you know you’re loved.”

It never gets easier.

“Here’s to thirty, Jellybean.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a prologue to a massive, series of fics where I rewrite the MCU, which I started outlining since 2016. But I can't seem to write what comes next. So, I decided to post this in the hopes of _maybe_ getting the chance to write the rest of it (because I want to read it too), instead of this fic languishing in my hard drive since 2017 and never seeing the light of day.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Comments are appreciated <3


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